The Thinner is the Winner
by RainbowBridgesxox
Summary: Two years before she died, Cassie almost went to a doctor to get better, but instead Lia sabotaged her plans. What was going on through Cassie's mind throughout this? Warning could be triggering and does contain corse lauguage! It's a Oneshot...oh and Read and Review.


I could still hear her words echoing in my head, "_If you don't stop, you will die". _Today we had another one of those 'build your self-esteem' presentations; you know the ones where the entire female population of your school sits in the auditorium and watches as a group of wanna-be actors, sit on the stage and talk about how important it is to love yourself and accept your body. Just because you have a girl crudely crouched on the stage pretending to stick her fingers down her throat and making insulting gagging noises, doesn't mean that you have yourself a prize winning bulimic. I found the entire presentation to be sloppy, mediocre, and downright ignorant- well, that was until the end, all the teachers stood up and blankly said, "If you don't stop, you will die". At first I was angry with this; I mean who do they think they are? How dare they tell me that if I don't stop I will die, I will not die, au contraire I will live, I will be the essence of perfection, I will have a thigh gap, they will have love handles. But the more I considered it, the more panic struck me, _could I really die? _In the end was it all worth it; the sore throat, Russell's sign, stomach pains, depression, loss of self-control? Was the loss worth the gain, how far would I go, how far _could _I go, to reach a disoriented form of perfection? My name is Cassandra Parrish, and I am a bulimic.

The final bell rang; I grabbed my bag and headed towards the parking lot to meet up with my best friend, Lia. Today was Friday, the start of the weekend, while others would celebrate with a beer and some friends, I would celebrate with a couple bags of chips, two liters of diet Pepsi, and a hot date with the toilet. No, I can't do that anymore, I can't risk death, if I died today, I'd die fat. Fat fat fat fat fat! I'd be stuffed in a coffin, dressed in some hideous dress with piles of my own back fat seeping out, and for the small amount of people who'd actually show up to my funeral would think thoughts such as '_we're better off without her'_. Lia would win, and I'd be buried fat, live fat and die fat, it's a constant reminder of my many failures. The biggest lie that bible school tells you is that when you die, Jesus will meet you at Heaven's gates and will check your personality to see whether you will be allowed to enter the kingdom of eternal peace, or be sentenced towards Satan's laboratory. I've learned enough from my parents, Lia, and society, that in reality, no one gives a fuck about your personality; it truly is all about what's on the outside, although we always knew that didn't we? So if I was to die today, Jesus would take one look at my bad skin, thunder thighs, and overall ugliness, and realize I am the face of sloth, that I am nothing but a fat and ugly pig, he'd then mark me as being eternally dammed. I cannot allow this to happen.

As I approached the parking lot I saw Lia standing by her car, waiting for me. "Hey Lia-Lia, what'd you eat today?" I asked her.

"230," She replied with a smile.

You see when you're a wintergirl; food is no longer names such as; chicken, or broccoli, or cake- no food is nothing but a critical number, the number that defines you, the number that separates you from pure and evil, the number of calories you've eaten. Recently I've been more evil than pure. But this will all change, _I _will all change, I will not be pure or evil but instead I'll be neutral, l will be healthy, and I most importantly I will not die!

"Cassie, are you alright? You seem all distracted, how much have you eaten today? Also I was wondering, do you maybe want go to a few stores, I need to pick up a few things."

Gulping, I always hated this question, I knew Lia loved me, but no one could not help but judge me when then heard how much a fat ass like me ate. "880, and that's including twenty percent of what I binged and purged on this morning" I said with shame dripping from my voice like a wet towel, "and shopping sounds good, I should do something to get my mind more focused." Not before long we were driving towards the mall, my heart stopped beating and I swore I could feel the fat in my body multiply, I swore I could feel myself gaining weight. I hate this! The life of a wintergirl is cold and lonely, but would so called _'recovery'_ be any better, for Frosty the Snowman melted when he went into the sun.

"So how was the self-esteem presentation? Ha I can't even believe you went to that, I skipped and ran laps around the track, so much more productive." Lia started.

"I was…well interesting-"

"Ohmigod, I almost forgot! You are going to love me for this, so I was on the pro ana sites the other day, and I found this awesome diet, it's like a pound a day kind of thing. You have that acting thing in a few weeks right, well then this will bring you to a goal weight just like that, I'll post it on your blog tonight."

Twiddling with my fingers, my body started to shake, fat or skinny, dead or alive? "I just can't do it anymore Lia-Lia," I sobbed "I can't stop, but I can't keep going, nothing works." She muttered something under her breath that sounded like _'I knew this was going to happen'_ but I didn't really hear her well, when I asked her what she said she just shook her head and stopped the car. Reaching towards the backseat she grabbed and started digging through her purse, right before handing me an envelope. "What is this?" I asked.

"It's a list of nearby doctors and clinics; I wrote them all down a few months ago when I felt like giving up. There is also recovery websites listed, and maybe you should stay off the pro ana sites and your blog for a while. I'm so proud of you Cass, you're so strong and you're going to be so healthy!"

"Thank you so much Lia, I love you! So how about we head for the mall?" Wow, that was probably one of the nicest things Lia did for me, even better than when she helped my throw Pinky a funeral. Pinky was thin, Pinky was pure, when she got the heaven Jesus would've let her in no problem, and now the same will happen for me. When I get better I'll get a lot skinnier and healthier, not like Lia thin, but a good in-between. After that the coach will have no problem taking me off the JV soccer squad and putting me back where I belong, and I'll get the lead in the school play for sure! For once in a long time I felt hope.

We walked into one of our favorite stores and instantly began looking around. Suddenly I found this beautifully elegant short dress that would be perfect for my drama performance in a few weeks. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in this dress, when I pictured myself in the dress I didn't see the obese cow I usually see, but instead I saw a slender goddess full of potential. I reached into my pocket and felt for the envelope that Lia gave me, for once I felt happy and hopeful, and I truly believed that everything would work out perfectly.

"Cassie that is so pretty," Lia awed as she saw the dress in my hands, "Come on, let's go try these on." She said while holding a shirt. "Come on, we only need one change room, besides it's easier than bugging the staff." Lia added as the both of us walked into the change room.

Now don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing sexual between the relationship between Lia and I, we're sisters, and anything else would just be bleh. But I can't help but look at her petit concave stomach as she lifts up her shirt. Her ribs underneath the blue light looks like perfection. God stupid anorexic! Why couldn't I be thin and perfect like her? Why did she have bones and I had a muffin top? Why did she get to be the friend with the self-control? I watched in envy as the new size 0 t-shirt hung off her bones, too big for her. Congradu-fucking-lations Lia, you're a size double zero now, stupid bitch.

"Aren't you going to try the dress on?"

Suddenly my size 4 dress seemed to stand out too much, stupid, fat, cow, ugly, failure, I ranted towards myself, I hated me. My parents made me out of clay, spinning hopes, dreams, and talent into me, but somehow while I was being spun, the potter's wheel got bumped and parts of me broke off. Now as I stand here I feel more insecure than ever, I am the result of imperfection, and the size 4 dress proves it. "No, the more I look at it, the more I think this dress isn't me," I lie smoothly, "What about you, are you going to buy that shirt?"

"No it's too small," she said smugly with a grin, "I checked and this is the smallest size they had."

I felt even more disgusted with myself, especially when my stomach growled. "Well that's too bad, let's go get some dinner then." I said, even though all I wanted to do was look into the mirror and scream at myself and cut up my body until nothing remained. No. I will get better, I will live, and be perfect, and normal again. We walked to a table in the food court; I was carrying a tray involving cheese fries, chicken nuggets, and a salad, with a diet Pepsi to wash it down with, Lia was holding a medium cup of black coffee and a few packets of sweetener. I watched obsessively as she licked the sweetener from her palm, and she did the same as I ate the stringy mozzarella fries. "You're making me feel fat," I say blankly, trying to cover it up as a joke, even though it's nothing but the truth. "How much do you even weigh now?"

"This morning I was at 92, what about you, how much do you weigh now?"

Ninety-two? She weighs ninety two pounds, which means she's lost two entire pounds this week, which sadly is the opposite of me. "I gained this week, I'm at 114 now," one hundred and fourteen pounds. One hundred and fourteen pounds of failure, one hundred and fourteen pounds of disappointment, one hundred and fourteen pounds of fat, ugly, me. I greedily gobbled up the last chicken nugget, the fries and salad bowel already being empty. The eating disorder began to scream insults to me at the top of its lungs, until I couldn't take it anymore. Swiftly I grabbed Lia by the hand and dragged her with me towards the bathroom, "You keep guard ok?" She nodded her head with a huge smile on her face. As I bent over the toilet I let everything go, the fear, the weight, the confusion- until I was nothing but an empty shell once again. I rinsed my mouth out in the sink and threw the envelope and paper towel into the garbage. Hump recovery, who needs it?

We held hands when we walked down the gingerbread path into the forest. Blood dripping from our fingers. We danced with witches and kissed monsters. We turned us into wintergirls, and when I tried to leave, she pulled me back into the snow, because she was afraid to be alone.


End file.
